Last November, my Mother died, this was not out of the blue as she was 95 and I had observed a disconnection and disinterest in life, in the months leading up to her death. Physicalities had started to go wrong, and I believe she decided to get the hell out before anything else broke down. I can appreciate how she felt.
I was overwhelmed by people’s messages; there were many from people I didn’t know well, or even at all, as a result of the Facebook age, our online connector. Grateful for all of their comments, I became curious about what was most meaningful to me. This blog is about my own personal experience.
I, like many others, can become fraught about saying the right thing in these situations, which often becomes a stalling point and then nothing comes out at all.
Forward after fifty, naturally, we are more likely to experience loss. If you know the person who has passed on or the person who has suffered a loss, it can be easier to say meaningful words; however, you’ll never know exactly how the other person is feeling.
Everyone’s experience is unique. The relationship you had, the age at which you lose someone, and a host of other factors. Personally, I’ve found it difficult to hear people tell me they know how I’m feeling, because they can’t.
You cannot base your own loss on someone else’s.
I feel zen about the passing of my Mother for many a reason, which is not going to go down well with someone who finds their own experience unbearable.
I saw my Mother every day and made it my mission to ensure she could live as comfortably as possible in her own home in the last years of her life; fortunately, we were able to accomplish that as much as we were able.
So what to say when it matters?
If you know something that will resonate with the person, then say it. If you don’t know what to say, say something authentic and neutral, a simple care emoji or similar might be just what the person needs to convey a caring vibe. Folks who say nothing at all who know about your loss are often considered uncaring, probably untrue, but I can’t help thinking that it is always appropriate to write ‘condolences’ rather than no words.
Any of these suggestions might inspire you to create your own version if you’re struggling to find the right words. Quotes on Pinterest can help too. An element of the person’s life, such as their career, hobbies, or where they lived, can be a point in the right direction.
My experience;
My Mother was an artist, and friends, family and connections knew and utilised this knowledge.
One of my favourites was from someone who didn’t know my Mother at all, ‘Wow. Rebecca. 95! What a wonderful life. My kindest wishes to you and your family.’
A simple message and acknowledgement of a long life, a bright and cheerful way, which, for me personally, was appropriate.
Being sorry didn’t feel right for me, as ‘sorry’ leans towards negativity and our discomfort with dealing with death, which is understandable because most of us don’t deal with the idea of it well.
This message was delightful to me. ‘My heartfelt condolences to you and your family, dearest friend. May her paintbrushes continue dancing with her, which concocted a joyful afterlife.
A celebration message of her long life; ‘ How wonderful you had her for so long. Relish all the memories and laughter. Big hug, my friend.’
Since starting this blog, my cousin has passed away at thirty years younger than my Mother. How to support her own Mother and family with words is not comparable to losing your Mother at ninety-five.
Each experience is individual, and I re-emphasise that this blog is about mine; no one can compare their feelings to anyone else’s. Consoling in a few words is difficult; however, your words can make the difference.